I was standing in line at the Druid, waiting for my turn
in the men's room.
I wandered in thought.
Thinking about an Irish musician who said Paris is where
he will be for St Patrick's day "Because that is where the money is."
It was taking the first gentleman extra long, so as I
thought out things that had to do with the Irishman's proclamation, I drifted
toward the door marked "Women"
I opened the door and moved to step in. But an arm
extended in front of me. A women started talking.
"You cant go in there, its the ladies room."
I responded,
"I'd be rich if I had a dollar every-time a woman
came out of the men's room."
"That's different," she said dismissively.
"Why? It may be true that I piss straighter than most women."
"I could piss any way I want as long as the seat is
up and no one would notice."
I looked at the man standing next to this woman, he
smiled. I looked back at her,
"That's great, but I'm still going in there."
She asked
"Do you like this place, yes or no?"
"Why?"
"Yes or no?"
"I don't have time for this."
"Because I like it, I live here. It's my favorite
place. And if you go in there, you'll
violate them on the sanitary code."
"Sanitary code? What are you, Health
Department?"
"Yes, I am."
"Here in Cambridge?"
"No, Boston."
"What's your name?"
"Kelly."
I took out and passed her my business card.
"Kelly, my name is Robert. I've been in ten thousand
Boston apartments. You are doing a horrible job."
"Well that's residential. I'm commercial."
"Oh really. You know one time I made my entire class
raise their hand without saying a word by just raising my hand and leaving it up."
She looked at the fella she was with and said
"You know, one time, in band camp--"
I cut her off---
"It has nothing to do with band camp. It has to do
with black mold in bathrooms, bed bugs in the bedrooms, vegetation growing on
the walls in the living room, and 16 people living in a 1 bedroom apartment.
Among other things."
"But that's residential, I'm--"
"Set a proper example in one segment of the market,
it affects the other segment. Do that. Now excuse me."
I stepped toward the woman 's bathroom again , and again Kelly's arm went up to block me. She said
"If you go in there, you will violate the
Druid."
I looked at her arm then into her eyes. I pointed at the
sign "Women."
"You see this sign? Well 'A Rose is a Rose is a Rose
is a Rose.' And that comes from Gertrude Stein, the most femi-nazi of all y'all.
So, I'm cool. Good night."
Her arm dropped. I brushed past her, stepped into the Women's room,
closed the door. I proceeded to piss straight into the bowl. My piss
stream landed in the very center of the water and stayed on target. My piss
never touched porcelain, only Cambridge City Water. I used a wad of toilet
paper to flush the toilet and the same wad to open the door. I did not wash my
hands because they only touched my clean dick.
Kelley was gone when I came out. The man she was with was
still there. He shrugged. I finished my drink, paid my tab, walked home, ate
peanut butter and fell asleep watching True Detective.
