I Hacked President Obama's Email, Here is the Letter

Dear Mr. Secretary,

Out of the countless thousands of letters and facebook messages I receive on a daily basis, I am allowed by my handlers to respond to only five. This response is my fifth and final of today's quota and I choose yours because it is in keeping with a message I meant to deliver in yesterday's weekly address to the nation, about the importance of citizen vigilance in the fight against domestic terrorism. The message was stricken because it made no particular point at all, or rather it made a particular point but was too closely telling of a top secret government research program for which we are in no position to field questions about.

You see, as the president, I am not allowed to deal in conventional overarching wisdom when addressing individuals or nations. I am meant, as your president, to speak only of particular events, rarely in advance them, and most times only in response to them. So to say to the populace, at any given moment, to watch out for this or that, is to say to them either that there is something we are worried about that they must watch for (which would cause panic), or that we are up to something and need citizen input and data from their diverse body to contribute to our secret mission (which could lead to insurrection)

On the government to-do list, one of my personal agenda items is to ever improve the operations of this government. To advance this agenda, I and a few others in my cabinet, believe that it is a necessary good to institute more meaningful questions to government employees, in the form of surveys, designed to evaluate the psychological soundness of the employees who serve in government positions.

It was a startling fact when i first encountered it, an internal survey revealed that 73% of our government workers were in some way mentally unstable, that is more than 3 times the national average! With such an overwhelming statistic staring us down, we really had two choices before us.  The first choice was to simply lament the statistic quietly and try to cover it up, because its rather embarrassing if you think about it (I mean, it begs two questions at the same time---is there something about our government system that drives people bonkers or are they crazy already and its just that sort who naturally gravitate to these important positions?) and also, the cost to the taxpayer for treating the illness would be too great for them to bear, it would seize our annual budget and lock up other spending.  The second choice also includes a cover up scheme, but with these measures we would try to embrace and harness the lunacy in someway. We chose the latter, because funding was already available. You see, Mr. Secretary, I believe that in every setback there is a song.

Perhaps you are unaware of the behavioral patterns of schizophrenics. You are of course aware that schizophrenics are mentally ill people who roam about and look normal and may even sound normal but in some large way they are definitely not normal. Inside their mind, they are principal actors in a play written specifically for them. The reasons for this, generally are unknown, though there is a tenuous link between a heightened presence of dopamine in human brains and the symptoms of schizophrenia.  Secretly, we have our researchers trying to understand at least one thing about schizophrenics regarding their brain wave patterns that could, in time, unlock a door to a very important national power.

Now getting to the heart of your matter---Revenge is a common theme in literature. I find revenge stories are just as common as any other theme. Yet it always surprises and intrigues me when someone is able to add a new line, as it were, to a very old verse. This yogurt cup incident that you're dealing with falls in a tricky category---it is both horrible and intensely brilliant. And just the fact that revenge is part of this story is an important clue for us and, taken in context with the other details of your narrative, is helping our investigators track down the perpetrator right now.

I can tell you that while writing this response, a team of 7 Federal Bureau Investigators are cross referencing possible leads of perpetrators who may have played this "prank" on you. The leads are being filtered using a psychological profile derived from the details you provided in your writing. A list of 22 names has been generated. Of that list, 17 are government employees, 9 of them have security access great enough to pull off such a stunt. 5 of these employees are individuals already on a special "high alert" watch list.

You see, some of our employees are schizophrenics. They have access to information on a daily basis as necessary. Yet this information can also ignite their sometimes nightmarish understandings of reality. They are, in a sense, walking time bombs. Again, this is a given and we must decide how to proceed---whether to disarm these bombs or harness them for our special secret needs, as we have tried to do for years. We acknowledge the illness, that's the first step. But we also reserve the right to blow things completely out of proportion if it suits our purpose.  For instance, though this perpetrator is mentally ill, yet his actions can easily be construed as a sort of unknown domestic terrorist plot, since schizophrenics are often a danger to themselves or others and there are plenty of doctors who would sign off on such charges. In a certain way, Federal government employee schizophrenics are powerful. We just can't let their power wielding go unchecked. So we, as responsible government officials, investigate this power and apply appropriate checks and measure to it.

Fortunately for us, schizophrenics usually operate using an unknown-to-them self-defense mechanism that gives them away. It comes out quickly during questioning. I am told now by the psych report given me by the FBI, that we now have in custody all five of the nuttiest government employees living in your immediate area who had access to probate and could have effected the crime against you by manipulating the justice system of surrogate court.

Of the five, one in particular has expressed a pro-communist sentiment. He believes that, "quote" we all must handle the shit stick together. I hope you wouldn't ask me what he means by that exactly. I'm thinking it about now and all I can come up with is that he may have selected you at random to be the recipient of this mistreatment because one is just as good as another. He has been using his position to advance this agenda. You are not the first to receive odd parcels from deceased members of society. This is clearly an arrogation of his duties and a symptom of his schizophrenia.  His outlook has created a major aggravation to a relatively small portion of our citizenship. We believe that you are his latest victim, or rather the latest citizen to share in the folly of his mental illness.

Since this man is clearly in need of help, we are going to help him. He will be charged, quietly, with domestic terrorism. He will be sent to Saint Elizabeth's hospital in Washington, D.C., for treatment. His pension will be exchanged for the cost of his indefinite hospital stay, so as to avoid any additional strain on the backs of the American taxpayer.

But it will not end with mere hospitalization. At St. E's, this individual's mind will be exploited for, what some psychologists in the F.B.I. claim to be, telepathic potential. We apparently have a psuedo-military trial program going on there, where we are attempting to develop and weaponize the brainwave patterns of schizophrenics, specifically their delta waves.

Rest assured, you will not be receiving any more packages of yogurt cups. Also rest assured, this man will be treated relatively well. No shock therapies. In fact, his condition I am told will be encouraged, for the hope of harnessing the delta wave patterns of his mind. Delta waves are a detectable component of the overall workings of a mind. It is believed that schizophrenics have excited delta wave patterns. Waking dreams are said to be states involving heightened delta wave patterns, which may explain the schizophrenic's tendency toward illusions.  It is also believed that these patterns, if excited to the right levels can potentially yield significant telepathic output.

Should the research trials of this individual generate promising returns that contribute or directly lead to the break through our researchers are looking for, you will be rewarded for your service with a Presidential Medal of Freedom, which is an equivalent for a civilian to the military's Congressional Medal of Honor. In the meanwhile, I encourage you to continue your good citizenship and properly dispose of the crate of yogurt cups. I am told that recycling day in your neighborhood is Thursday. We are notifying the waste disposal company contracted to do business in your area of town that there will be a large crate waiting for them this coming Thursday.

Please continue to do the right thing.

Ever your president, and sincerely so,

Barack Obama


P.S. to occupy your mind in the meanwhile the recycling festers on your lawn, please visit the God Bolt blog for more poems, essays, and commentary. --B.O.