Friday, September 28, 2012

#essay - On a Condescension Accusation

do you really want to continue to frame our conversations with this particular set of malarkey? its okay if you do, you'll find i'm a very open playmate and will enjoy engaging you anyway you want to be engaged. you know yourself better than i do. so next time you're taking a map reading of where you are and how you'd like to be there or feel or do---if in your heart of hearts you find yourself admitting---yeah dude, i just want to grind an axe right now,, i want to find a mole hill and making a mountain of it, i want to fight something and get away with it----bring that shit to me. i'll be your huckleberry.

condescension. that's a word one person uses most often to describe a feeling they get from another person they do not know fuck about. the greater percentage in that case is that they were wrong and took arms against the hint of a feeling, perceived a signal not quite according to its intent. try to think better of folks if you can. its a loving world most of the time. and of the time its not, most of the time its trying to be and just needs leadership or road signs to get there.

you want me to give ground on something? i'd like you to owe more of whatever this thing is we're talking about. the way i'm looking at it, you picked a fight. cross-swords with me all day, i think its good and healthy to have training partners you can trust to bash the hell out of tender subjects with. try to remind yourself at the end of it we're on the same team.

what do i give ground on. yeah, it would be nice if you noticed this---i'm unabashedly honest with you. tell me if you don't want it like that. its a personal choice, some people really do want to have a wall of funny mirrors in their life, and deal with a series of surfaces, masks, and presentations. some want to be deep and get off on staring long and hard for hours and days trying to find the heart of the matter and really get annoyed by surface dwellers and toss them aside to preserve their own bandwith because they don't think its even worth a nod in their direction when they can be putting their all into the actual subject they've chosen. and lots of folks tend have some kind of combination of these two eccentricities in their portfolio. i like to play ball in every court. i've been on the hunt for what it is all courts have in common.

with you, i wear the charming mask sometimes and trade quips and try to appeal to your body and mind and hope that i'm good enough in that endeavor. also with you, especially since our conversations have navigated toward the sea, out from the harbor, yeah i try to engage what i think you are really saying, i try to cajole your subconscious up and out, i try to make it a learning thing for both of us. i find value in both approaches. i've tried to tell you what it is i'm doing so you'd be either a willing participant or not surprised by it---or even just have the option of opting out.

i'd say we've been doing a pretty good job of showing each other how our minds work. who really knows if either of us are entirely understanding the other mind. and all while this showing is happening, i'd say (at least for my part) i've not even begun to give you a satisfactory explanation of how my mind works. i'm not ashamed to admit i'm still figuring that out. i'm not satisfied by "i'm elated" or "i'm depressed" statements. though i don't think its necessary to feed you 10000 words on the subject either. well anyway, for my part, i'm working on it. was working on it before i met you and that's how you found me.

condescension. you could if you chose to, look at this body writing as just that. i'd think you be dead wrong for doing so. but you could. because that's how stupid of a word it is. it applies to everything. its a tool of irony---label a person condescending and you've just built a wall around them in your mind. the irony? neither you nor that person want the wall to be there.

i can accept your complexities. can you accept mine? here's an example---so you can see what it looks like backstage when this fella gets called condescending---in my mind two things happen, one (i ask myself if i really care what that person thinks and if the answer is yes, then i start to consider my what i've been writing so far), two---and i think this happens first, its a flash i hear "Lady, I don't give a fuck what you think." i wonder sometimes if its possible to care and not care at the same time equally as well. i do know that certain times call for one and not the other.

well--i am sorry if in the course of our conversation i made you feel condescended to. that was not my intention. my intention was for you to feel butterflies and smell roses. its a tricky recipe, you know. the outcome is what you make it to be. the be is it with what you come out. and the out is in.

thank you for reading. until next time. ;)

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