the first time it happened
i tantalized myself
with the notion i had become
a great enough man
to live past it and not be affected.
i knew then the challenge
but felt prepared by a sureness
i was doing right
to meet that challenge.
and so i did.
and the months, two, to be precise
rolled on, one right after
the other---
and they weren't pretty months.
they were months of the
question "what am i doing?"
a constant asking
one time its one asking
one time its the other
"meeting destiny"
somehow the answer.
always.
just about the moment i had
given up
there came the most believable
understanding
that if all was on and real
and genuine and without doubt
and secure and very much
happening now and forever,
in other words, that if all was absolute,
that is to say,
existing at the absolute last tickmark of the absolute
last moment of the last hour
come all hope for salvation
and cause to believe.
then.
that's what came for me then
cause to believe.
so belief i became.
and this lasted for only two weeks.
and then it happened again
and so viley this time---
my eyes glazed over with the shock.
so perfectly a betrayal
that it not only killed then
the validity of the past
but also cast the most perfect
and lasting shadow on the future
that i wonder now how i
convinced myself to live on
from that moment
carrying any notion
no matter how small
that things could be
ok afterward.
not knowing how i did this,
i did it nonetheless.
but i certainly wonder now if that was
a mistake
because i am almost
sure now there was
no salvation to be had there
at all.
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